A World, Minus me
‘Better off without me’
I tried to commit suicide in High School.
High School was not a pleasant experience for me overall, but events fell into place in 1996 that led me to try to kill myself.
One day, I took the time to handwrite out three letters – one to my parents, one to my sister, and one to a particular guy. I cleaned my room extra good that morning. I then took certain actions on the way to school t say my goodbyes without actually saying them.
I had reasoned within myself that the world no longer needed me. Although a ‘Christian girl’, I even reasoned that GOD didn’t need me here messing up HIS world.
One problem: it didn’t work.
Only a hand full of people knew what I did that day. I had popped a certain combination of OTC medications, and they had indeed slowed my heart down quite a bit. I had one friend who found me, looking rather gray in complexion.
In the months that followed, I went to counseling, and managed to keep my parents from finding out.
5 years later, the compulsion would strike me again. I was a young mother, and struggling with the ghosts of my past & adjusting to married life. I tied a scarf around my throat and attempted to hang myself. The world – which included my young son, would be better off minus me.
Again, I failed.
The value of one simple girl
There has always been a deep seeded emptiness inside for some sense of value. I longed to be valued by my mother. I wanted to be valued by a guy, instead of tossed around like a filthy sock. I wanted to be needed. I wanted to mean something to someone.
There are times I still question my value in the eyes of those I know.
One thing I have now that I didn’t have then is a sense of my value to GOD.
Ephesians 3:18-19 reads, “may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
I had read the Bible several times when I was growing up, but had never really paid attention to those two verses until a year ago. A year ago, I was struggling once again with my sense of value. I had no job in about 2 years, and the money pressures were putting an enormous strain on my marriage. The suicidal thoughts crept upon me and began to blur all logic and rational thinking. I did what I felt was the only think I could do – I began to read aloud to myself the word of GOD, starting with Ephesians 1. I read, chanting the verses to myself, until I stumbled upon Ephesians 3:18-19.
I found my value; it is in Christ.
In Christ, I am HIS princess. HE loves me above any challenges that I can see, HE loves me no matter how low emotionally I fall. I am Christ’s princess. HE loves me, now matter how much to the left or to the right I run, or how far from the reach of others I go. I am valuable to HIM.
And so are you..
That’s a bit arrogant, isn’t it?
I am not so vain to think that GOD could not accomplish HIS plans without me being in the world. The sun can & will rise in a world, minus me. But that isn’t reality. The reality is that for right now, I am part of GOD’s plan.
Additional note on Suicide
This post is not in anyway intended as an encouragement for suicide. If you are having suicidal thoughts, seek help NOW by calling your local suicide crisis center or hospital. I was blessed not to have succeed in my attempts – Suicide is NEVER the solution to any problem at anytime. It may not seem like it, but you do matter to someone on this earth and most of all, you mean everything to GOD.
LINKS
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
WHEN A CHRISTIAN IS TEMPTED BY SUICIDE.
